by Christine Lightener
Buying a house involves hiring an inspector to spot problem areas and potential problem areas. When purchasing our first home I was struck by the inspector’s response when he saw cracks in one of the walls in the bedroom, as well as, in the hearth of the fireplace. He turned to us and said,
“YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOUR FOUNDATION.”
His focus was the foundation, not the cracks.
Having sat in my ‘therapist chair’ for over 30 years, I can testify that we humans are predisposed, in relationships, to focus on the ‘cracks’ in the other person (the visible) and not the foundation within our self (the invisible)!
“If you would only follow through on what you said, I wouldn’t be such a nag.”
“If it weren’t for your inability to handle money, we wouldn’t be in this financial mess.”
When my husband and I heard what the cost would be to repair the foundation in our home, it was beyond tempting to just get out the putty and paint. I remember my internal self-talk firing off reasons to support us doing what we wanted: quick, easy, and cheap. For example, “Money is really tight right now. I am sure putty and paint will solve the problem just fine.”
In the initial session when I ask a couple what the main issues are, one of the most frequent responses is, “We don’t know how to communicate.” My response is, “Actually, we are communicating constantly. The issue is what and how we are communicating.
DO YOU WANT LASTING CHANGE IN THE COMMUNICATION DANCE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER?
Did you say, yes?
Dance Step One: Focus on the one, and by the way the only, component you have true power to change; YOU.
Dance Step Two: Get to know the ’emotional roadmap'(grid) that was carved out within you over the first 18 years of your life. It is there that you unknowingly collected the communication tools that you are now using to build and/or destroy your present most important relationships.
Sample the following dance and see if you can relate:
WHAT SALLY MEANT TO SAY . . . “The couch needs cleaning.”
WHAT SALLY ACTUALLY SAYS . . . “This old couch.”
WHAT JOE HEARS . . . “This old couch.”
WHAT JOE THINKS HE HEARS . . . “Sally wants to buy a new couch.”
WHAT JOE SAYS ABOUT WHAT SALLY SAID . . . “We are not getting a new couch!”
WHAT SALLY THINKS HE SAID ABOUT WHAT SALLY SAID . . . “You are once again being irresponsible with money.”
Once you have identified the communication tools you unknowingly accumulated growing up, once you have observed and noticed how and when you use them, you begin to appreciate your contribution to undermining the dance. This moment is the launching pad to change.
Dance Step Three: Identify your ‘needs’ (the non-negotiables) versus the ‘wants’ (the negotiables) within yourself. If it is equally important to be informed of the needs versus the wants of your partner.
Dance Step Four: Identify the critical communication tools you need–but didn’t get–growing up. We must each see and accept the way(s) we have tried to make do–putty & paint–and be able to acknowledge the cost to our self and to our partner.
As you learn to combine the steps, you will in significant ways really DANCE.
Because none of us get a dress rehearsal, because we are each broken and imperfect from the start, because we can often be blind sided by life’s obstacles, it is to be expected that we will unknowingly step on our partner’s toes in the dance of life as they will ours. Stepping on toes, at least early on is called life. The deal breaker is what we do with the experience, the ouch: Do I learn a different step? Do I blame my partner for having the toe in my way?
Do I __________? (you fill in the blank)